This is a fun Game Of Thrones/Mad Men sketch I was a part of.
The Ultimate Worrier Episode 1
BEASTMASTERS: UP FROM THE MIC - this Friday March 29th, midnight, free show, UCBeast.
With special guest MARK NORMAND (Conan).
Also featuring: Bob Hansen and Dina Hashem.
Plus we’ll give two wildcard slots away at the show, so comics come on by early and put your name in the bucket for a chance to perform!
Hosted by Paul Oddo, Sarah Tollemache, and Nate Dern.
More info and reservations here.
Typically I don’t go to a show unless I’m a part of it or somebody I care about asked me to come & I could tell it meant something to them that I did. Even then, when I do go I feel like I’m not really the kind of person you want in the crowd.
If you’re a dancer, and several of my friends are, I watch the performance, appreciate the difficulty of what I’m seeing, but have no other input or insight as to what is occurring. The art of the choreography is 100% lost on me. I wish it weren’t, but that’s the truth. I only understand dancing as it is used to make people laugh. I want to be there for you and I hope that’s enough. If I had the ability, I’d buy or build you a studio or theatre.
If you are in a band, and many of my friends are, or if you just INSIST that I go with you to a band’s performance (more common) the best I can tell you is that I’m there. People regularly say that I hate music, which isn’t true, but I will admit that being fairly indifferent to most music is unusual and what I am. In truth, I actually “hate” almost nothing and no one, believe it or not. I won’t generally have anything to say about music other than “that was beautiful” or “they were really trying”, regardless, I probably just thought it was a little louder than it needed to be. Overall, I don’t feel qualified to comment on things I know nothing about. However, if I had the means I’d pay for you to go on tour, or buy the best instruments or studio time. I want you to win.
If you are an actor, and quite a few of my friends are, I’ll go to your show, screening or production. If it’s a musical theatre show I promise that I’m doing my best to stay awake. It isn’t meant to be as insulting as I know it is, but it’s just a breach of reality and my brain keeps trying to shut down. I’ll always say “good work” or nothing. Even if I’m still processing what I saw and later have an actual thought about it, I’ll more than likely never say it to you. I’m sorry, I just don’t for some reason. If I could I’d introduce you to Steven Spielberg or his Broadway equivalent. I’d tell them how great you are and take us all out to dinner! I can’t, but I’d like to.
If you are a fine artist and I go to your exhibit or gallery show then you should know that I’d probably take a bullet for you, I’d actually rather that than be there. It isn’t your work, it’s the people at art shows and the energy they exude. It feels flammable. If I could, I’d buy every single painting or sculpture you have on display for twice the value, just to increase your name, and in hopes that you’d think I did enough to never expect me to come to another show. No disrespect to you, but fuck that scene. I say that as a person who’s fairly decent with a pencil or a paint brush. That said, please keep doing it and be a normal, good person who is also an artist in a swarm of fake pieces of shit. I’ll help you stretch canvass if you need.
Most of my friends are comedians. I get invited to A LOT of comedy shows, but I rarely go, even though that’s what I do.
In this regard I’m TOO involved to be a good fan. I can’t stop breaking the jokes down in my head and analyzing them. I get extremely angry at people who talk in the audience, even more so than the comic(s) on stage. I worry about wireless mics sucking, I think about lighting, I silently judge the person booking the show or running the venue. I’m just in my head the whole time and it takes something very special to take me out of it.
Plus, I don’t often laugh, and when I do it’s usually at moments other people don’t. Not sure why. If I’m unfortunate enough to be ushered to the front row and sat there I actually mess up the show with how I react. On more than one occasion I have had the comedian comment on me either not laughing or laughing at strange things. It’s an issue. So I always hang in the back if I’m going to be there because it’s best for everyone.
All that said, I love comedy, and all forms of creative expression. I think it’s something that connects us. Like flashes of telepathy. I do feel like “the arts” are a hiding place for liars and bullshitters, but that could be said for anything. I get disgusted seeing a fake artist the way a dad must feel seeing his daughter dating a person who doesn’t appreciate her. It’s an intangible anger. Something you can’t really change. It’s emotional quicksand. Or a spider web that tangles you more the harder you struggle against it. You just have to be patient and hope the world equalizes itself. And it usually does.
Same with jealousy. It’s SO incredibly hard to not compare yourself to others, but you’ve got to do whatever it takes to keep your eyes on your own work and funnel that energy into being productive. You have to because that’s not the best way to deal with it, it’s the ONLY way to deal with it. Be happy for people or just don’t give a shit (but for real, not just acting like you don’t care). Above all don’t stop working on what makes YOU feel productive and accomplished. It is literally the only thing that will do you any good and the only thing that you personally have control over. Everything else is a smoke screen, a mirage that you’ll follow and wind up deeper in the desert for.
So yeah, I’m a bad fan, in the traditional sense, but I do want the best for you if you’re trying, and are true to yourself & craft.
The point of all this is that there are good fans out there, and thank God (or whoever) for them. I don’t understand the dedication you have, but then again, I don’t have to, you’ll just continue being what you are with or without my understanding. All I can do for you is give you every last drop of what I’ve got, every time, and I’m so thrilled that I’m able to.
I have a show tonight, two actually, which I’m very thankful for. The one at 8:30 will probably be well attended. It’s a popular show at UCBEast called If You Build It, which true to the name, people come to. Respect to Kara Klenk and Nick Turner for getting it to the place it is, and for having me.
The second one is at midnight, at the same location, and that one is what’s got me writing all this. I’m performing an hour of my material tonight. This is the first time I will have done this in NYC and I’ve been here almost 7 years. I’m preparing to record my first CD/DVD so I’m doing hour sets. I don’t know if anyone will be there tonight, but it doesn’t matter. I’m going to do it either way and give it everything I’ve got. This year or so has been very kind to me after a stretch of ugliness. I like to think that it’s all because of hard work and dedication, and to a degree that’s true, but the pendulum does swing and should be acknowledged.
The best way I can think to honor good fortune is with hard work. I never want to be in a position where someone, a comedian, performer, artist, etc, looks at me and thinks, “If I had the opportunities that he has I’d be doing more with them.” I get worried sick about that. It keeps me running, so to speak.
I can’t give all the things that I’d like to give to everyone, not yet, but I can at least work hard out of respect for their efforts. I also hope to make them and you laugh. Thank you for supporting what I do with your attention. I hope to repay the kindness. Let’s all win. Surely it’s possible, right?
If you want to come to my show tonight or any other night, I appreciate it, but do know that I understand if you don’t or can’t. I probably wouldn’t.
Here’s a link to the show:http://east.ucbtheatre.com/performances/view/26985
Take care & please keep inviting me to things.
If you’re reading this it means you’re interested in what I do and I can’t tell you how much that means to me. Thank you and I hope to make you laugh. Here’s what I’ll be doing in the not too distant future.
Saturday, March 16th:
8:30pm - ”If You Build It” (UCBEast NYC) $5 http://east.ucbtheatre.com/shows/view/2835
Midnight - “The Workout” (UCBEast NYC): I’ll be working on my hour. It’s a FREE SHOW and if you’re interested in seeing a long set of mine this is a rare chance to do so in NYC. http://east.ucbtheatre.com/shows/view/652
Wednesday, March 20th:
8pm - The Overlook (225 E. 44th btwn 2nd & 3rd ave, NYC (upstairs)) $?
Monday, March 25th:
9:30pm - Hosting B.Y.O.T. (UCBEast NYC) FREE SHOW http://east.ucbtheatre.com/shows/view/3148
Thursday, March 28th:
8pm - Showcase at The Stand (NYC) $?
Friday, March 29th:
The Friday Night Hot Chicks Mic FREE SHOW
Written by Sarah Tollemache
Starring Siobhan Thompson, Sasheer Zamata, and Amber Nelson
Check out this sketch Sarah Tollemache (new writer!) wrote for The Prom’s February show!
I’m in Austin, TX right now during the South By South West festival and cluster fuck.
I’ve done a few shows an had some good times with funny people. Also heard some live music by accident & didn’t mind it.
After a show last night, walking down 6th street with my good friends Jack Cornett & Mike MacRae, a 3 pack of goofy hipsters popped out of a doorway and “spooked” us (as my pal Austin Rodrigues might say).
I told them that wasn’t a safe thing to do. Shouldn’t scare people like that, etc.
The middle hipster kid, who was the problem catalyst, said he didn’t mean to do that and then opened a pocket knife and pointed it at me. He then folded it back up and put it back in his pocket. I then struck him in the eye with a closed fist, knocking him back and breaking his glasses, which he may or may not have required.
There was a melee of action, Jack threw the friends around and kept them at bay. Mike was also there. I kept “talking shit” (really the only way to describe it), and we all backed away from each other.
An official person in a reflective vest with a radio came toward the scene. I informed that person that there was an individual brandishing a knife and we left.
All in all, the best way that might have gone down. My hand is not damaged if you’re wondering. Good hit with the first two knuckles. Clean.
We then went to a comedy centric party at a place called the North Door where we saw many people we knew and drank too many beers.
So that’s what’s been going on.
Here is my schedule today for comedy in ATX.
3pm - Spider House
8pm - The New Movement
10pm - Coldtowne
Come if you like fun. I won’t likely hit you.
Tomorrow I’m also doing a show at UCBEast in NYC at 7:30.
If you want to tell other people about these shows I’d appreciate that.
Have a good day either way.